my colors will be clear...

" I am part of the 'Fellowship of the Unashamed." I have the Holy Spirit power. The die has been cast. I've stepped over the line. The decision has been made. I am a disciple of His. I won't look back, let up, slow down, back away, or be still. My past is redeemed, my present makes sense, and my future is secure. I am finished and done with low living, slight walking, small planning, smooth knees, colorless dreams, tame vision, mundane talking, chintzy living and dwarfed goals!

I no longer need preeminence, prosperity, promotions, plaudits, or popularity. I don't have to be right, first, top, recognized, praised, regarded, or rewarded. I now live by presence, lean by faith, love by patience, lift by prayer, and labor by power.

My face is set, my gait is fast, my goal is heaven, my road is narrow, my way is rough, my complains few, my Guide reliable, my mission clear. I cannot be bought, compromised, detoured, lured away, turned back, diluted, or delayed. I will not flinch in the face of sacrifice, hesitate in the presence of adversity, negotiate at the table of the enemy, ponder at the pool of popularity, or meander in the maze of mediocrity.

I won't give up, shut up, let up, or burn up, 'til I've preached up, prayed up, paid up, stored up, and stayed up for the cause of Christ.

I am a disciple of Jesus. I must go 'til He comes, give 'til I drop, preach 'til all know, and work 'til He stops.

And when He comes to get His own, He'll have no problems recognizing me. My colors will be clear."

i made it to Stillwater Lumberjack Festival...

it is surprising how life can be so incredibly enjoyable especially when you least expect it. i was just 'getting away', exploring, being myself, and this is where i ended up. i had no idea what would be in Stillwater, just a river, and a bridge- cool pictures right? yeah.
well after getting lost and finding some other stillwater boulevard 15 miles away i finally made my way down Myrtle st. which took me right to the river! coming over the top of that first hill it was almost a drop off down to the river. it was minnesota's version of san francisco i am pretty sure. Well i finally found myself on 2nd street and parked the jeep. grabbed noels camera and started walking. i walked down one huge hill and up the other side- walking towards church steeples- something that always catches my eye untill i get in front of them. it kind of makes me feel like i am back in spain.
i love being a stranger in a random town. when you get out of the car, you are the only person who knows who you really are. you can at this point fool anyone- be anyone you want. skinny jeans, flannel shirt, 'stunner shades' and a camera made me almost invisible in my eyes. i felt like i could be anything i wanted to be. in a way- i was me in truest form.
i walked a lot- everywhere- not just where the 'festival' was going on, but wherever i wanted. i finally made it to the congested part of town (made me a bit nervous) but it was an adventure. There were kids activities everywhere, music, dogs, everything. I have this theory that picture never really capture the true beauty of what you see...it only helps remind you, just so you dont forget. its true tho- you cant hear or feel or smell pictures. i felt like that was the case, even as i took pictures, it never really captured everything.
I found a precious couple just sitting down by the river, just watching. They asked about noels camera and if i was just taking pictures for personal reasons. I thought about it in my head- there should never be any other reason to take pictures. but the conversation was fun- thats where i found out it was indeed a lumberjack festival. i wandered farther and farther from my car untill i was in a word 'beneath it'. i wish i would have counted how many stairs i had to climb to get back to the park where i started at on 2nd street. i joined the 3 others climbing up the stairs. lets just say we were all out of breath. i was shocked there could be so many damn stairs!!! but the park at the top makes it all worth it (and my car was kinda up there too). the view: the world.
yes i got lost on the way back- how did you know? but i got to see the sunset from a whole other perspective. i love getting lost when you can find beauty in it. then its ok.
the drive back completed the journey. i love being alone and thinking, nothing serious, just thinking, just being. i am not really sure how i got so lucky as to be a part of the lumberjack festival july 25 2009.

“I love you not only for what you are, but for what I am when I am with you. I love you not only for what you have made of yourself, but for what you are making of me. I love you for the part of me that you bring out.”

— Roy Croft

half way to ?

this year is one big ? but God is good...and He is what i am listening to.

ONE DAY AT A TIME>>>

no perfect fairytale...

i dont want to be a mountain someone has to climb to see the horizon, to see the sun. i dont enjoy being in the way, but life gets messy. i am scared to cause people a detour in life, that i could be an unexpected thing, that no one sees coming or has time to plan for. i know there has to be some amount of spontaneous "ness" to life- thats the spice of life, but the element of suprise is...well...a suprise. i guess it depends who you are and if you enjoy suprises. i am terrified of the one i meet who will love me. i am scared to let myself go again, to have the expectations, to compare myself. my biggest fear right now- comparison! is that pathetic? i want the biggest and best life, lived to the fullest! but who doesnt? the thought of him looking at me and actually seing all this- knowing the real me- wow! and wanting the same things, seeing God in every moment of life. totally random subject but i was thinking the other day during church in the park, i want to be able to lean over and tell him to watch the pages of the pastors Bible as they dance in the wind, i want to share the little things with him, and i want him to think it is beautiful too. is it possible? to be enough alike but to still remain as individuals? in order to become one you have to have so many things in common right? or is that a misconception? is the idea of being side by side- FRIENDS- untill that ring is on my finger- can it really turn out that way? my perception of the 'perfect fairytale' is not at all a fairytale. i have another story in my head- its not from hollywood...its from my heart.

"Though our feelings come and go, God's love for us does not."
-C.S. Lewis.

people are like sponges...

I dont want to be influenced. but i am...daily. my first reaction: stop the noise- put the headphones in so i can stop the outside influence and be my own. but that is not what life is about. influence is everywhere, absolutely without a doubt. and God puts it all there for a reason. I really do believe that God puts everything around you so you can learn and be influenced, it is what you do with these influences that is important. i can honestly say that these last few months i have made a point to learn something from everyone i talk with....its working out. my mind is open in a good way...i dont automatically throw someones words out the window because of something in the past...but rather i listen harder. i want to see hearts, not bodies. my desire is to know people, to really know their hearts and then to learn from them. it is like people are sponges...and i just want to squeeze every ounce of knowledge or opinion out of them, for my own sake. i feel hungery, to see God thru people, i want ultimately see his influence on people and really learn from that.

"Journeys end in lovers meeting..."

"I’ve found almost everything ever written about love to be true. Shakespeare said ”Journeys end in lovers meeting.” What an extraordinary thought. Personally, I have not experienced anything remotely close to that, but I am more than willing to believe Shakespeare had. I suppose I think about love more than anyone really should. I am constantly amazed by its sheer power to alter and define our lives. It was Shakespeare who also said ”love is blind”. Now that is something I know to be true. For some quite inexplicably, love fades; for others love is simply lost. But then of course love can also be found, even if just for the night. And then, there’s another kind of love: the cruelest kind. The one that almost kills its victims. Its called unrequited love. Of that I am an expert. Most love stories are about people who fall in love with each other. But what about the rest of us? What about our stories, those of us who fall in love alone? We are the victims of the one sided affair. We are the cursed of the loved ones. We are the unloved ones, the walking wounded. The handicapped without the advantage of a great parking space!"
- opening quote from The Holiday

i need...

"In God's world receiving love comes before giving love. We learn how to love only when we first learn how to receive the love of God and others. 'We love because he first loved us.'" This has blown my little world apart. The thinking in the world today is so backwards. It seems that you should give love....and then you will receive it. But maybe the way it really works is you have to receive it in order to know how to to truly give it.
I am reading True Faced with my 'small group'. I feel like everyone needs to read this chapter- 'The supreme gift of grace: love'.
Love is the topic....and a hard one at that. There are a lot of questions when it comes to love. But before you can answer how and when and what kind and who....we need to understand what its base is.
One of the steps I need to take in order to start experiencing love is understanding that I have needs.
Even typing that is hard for me!
But its a step I need to take! To admit that I need anything....has the possibility to kill me.
"If we see needs as weaknesses, we will hide our needs and limitations and call it self-reliance. Or we'll pretend that we have no needs and call it independence. Or we may believe no one should ever have to meet our needs and call it strength. Or we believe that as we get more 'spiritual' we outgrow our needs. This, we say, is maturity."

With out needs we can't experience love....how will we know what it is when it is met. When our needs are met we are loved...but how can love happen if we are denying our needs or just being completely blind to them. "Needs give us the capacity to feel loved."

Cry out: "I am unbelievably miserable and I need help."

Another important part of this love is trust. We need to be able to trust the person before we can let them love us.
"Lost in the darkness
Silence surrounds you.
Once there was morning
Now endless night.

If I could reach you,
I'd guide you and teach you
To walk from the darkness
Back to the Light."
-Jekyll & Hyde, The musical, act one

"Received love turns
frightened pretenders
into confident dreamers."


Reaching this point may seem impossible, it does to me right now. But my desire to truly be able to love someone because they have loved me is enticing. The path is long but if the desire to live life to the fullest is there...then what can stop us? Once you have this love it will be contagious... you won't be able to keep it!

the perfect date....

noel inspired me to daydream about jesus...call me a copy cat....i dont care.

Jesus walked out while i was layin there in my swim suit soaking up the colorado sun. He smiles and stretches then sprawls out in the lawn chair next to me. He is tall...and perfectly not good looking. but my heart beats as he sits down next to me....i love this man. we get past small talk...and i tell him my heart still hurts. He grabs my hand and looks me in the eyes, "i know. i promise, it will get better." his hand stays on my arm, his smile grows. i think Jesus loves dark skin, he is dark....one of his best ideas.
we walked in the woods, i told him i love his creation and dont understand how people can live without seeing some of these things, like always being in the city. he told me that he has creation in the city too... hmmmm.
i told him i am scared for my brother. his face looked sad, there was silence, no emotion besides pain. he told me he was sad too, but he always has hope. he reminded me of the 99 and 1. we sat there...hopeful, tears streaming down our cheeks.
we talked about Gods wrath...i told him how the other parts of him seem to cover that up, but im still scared of it....for many reasons.
we layed under the stars in silence....i love the stars....
it was a good day...

Frontier Airlines= ruby slippers!

I had the most amazing flight back home last night. It is always in those times where you are getting upset or frustrated that you get blown away. I was starting to get upset...we just sitting there...on the runway, getting ready to go, but not moving! frustrated, especially when your parents are waitin only 45 minutes away. But once we took off, my eyes were opened. I was preparing myself to sleep, but God had another plan. The clouds rushed by as we continued upwards... You know when you are sitting on the ground looking up and there are a lot of clouds but you can see the moon shining thru...get on a plane!!! DO IT! The moon is absolutely amazing from the other side!! The clouds look like grape cotton candy, delisious enough to eat...but i dont like grape flavored anything...anyways! i was sitting there thinking...'wow, i feel like im flying' then i had to stop myslef from laughing out loud becuase...well i was flying. yeah...the penalties of stayin up to late...and such.
but there is something about the moon. there just is, i want so much to explain in...but i cant, there are no words. But God's creation is amazing and catches me off guard so offten. i was loving Jesus so much last night as i sat next to the most random old cowboy who clutched his cowboy hat in his hands, the girls behind me talked on and on about twilight until i put my headphones, and this only added to what i saw. There always needs to be a soundtrack to what you do....always! i think next time i hear those songs....i will think of that night.
I am blessed and i know it and better yet, i dont deserve any of this! My God is good and He is amazing. I am so loved, by Him, by family, by people; and i love them all back... i only wish i was better at expressing it. What if people could connect the way God and i did last night as i looked at his creation and longed to know him better...what if people could understand that. If you could feel loved and satisfied from me looking at the moon and loving it... that blows my mind. i think i do this in some small ways. i am a people watcher....i love to do it. but even if i am driving 70 miles an hour down a high way the person in front of me sticks their hand out the window and plays with the wind, i find extreme joy in that, there is an element of thrill. I do this everday, with almost everone. people are beautiful, you just have to look, and love follows.