things on my mind:
1. i need to see more of the world
2. i need to figure out how to do that
3. i need to grow up
4. there's way more possibilities than i ever thought
5. this is my life after all.

get out of my head...

"I take a step back, let you go
I told you I'm not bulletproof
Now you know"

-taylor swift

"Anyone can say the love someone....It's loving someone enough to let them go that will prove that love."

i want to be free from everything.

I can't wait forever is all that you said
Before you stood up
And you won't disappoint me
I can do that myself
But I'm glad that you've come
Now if you don't mind

Leave, leave,
And free yourself at the same time
Leave, leave,
I don't understand, you've already gone

I hope you feel better
Now that it's out
What took you so long
And the truth has a habit
Of falling outta your mouth
Well now that it's come
If you don't mind

Leave, leave,
And please yourself at the same time
Leave, leave,
Let go of my hand
You said what you came to now
Leave, leave,
Let go of my hand
You said what you had to now
Leave, leave,
Leave, leave,
Let go of my hand
You said what you have to now

Leave, leave...

my mind wont stop going...

i want a room like this someday...

Good Things Happen

Good Things Happen- Dierks Bently

"The world is cold but I don't care
When you have flowers in you hair
I see color and I hear sound
And good things happen when you're around

I work hard for not much pay
So I can know you'll be okay
'Cause I need to live where love abounds
And good things happen when you're around

So won't you wait for me
I'll be home soon
Wait for me
I'll only be a day or two

Won't you wait for me
I'll be home soon
Wait for me
I'll only be a day or two

The world is cold but I don't care
When you have flowers in your hair
I see color and I hear sound
And good things happen when you're around
Good things happen when you're around"

Things I Wish...

1. i wish i would have practiced not showering because this is ridiculous...being good at being dirty would have been great by now.
2. i wish i knew where that damn cockroach went that i half killed...it will probably haunt me.
3. i wish i was better with my words
4. i wish i had more control of my mind
5. i wish i was a musician
6. i wish fear was not a part of me
7. i wish i had a super power
8. i wish life was a little more like math...so i could figure it out
9. i wish i understood what you were thinking
10. i wish i could speak my mind
11. i wish i had a little more substance to me
12. i wish i had never cheated on anything in my life
13. i wish i wouldnt have given my heart away so many times
14. i wish i could really wish upon a star
15. i wish traveling by air didnt involve really large scary metal things
16. i wish i knew what i wanted to do for the rest of my life
17. i wish there wasnt a label or definition for everything in life
18. i wish my eyes were a camera...and my mind had film in it
19. i wish that just hanging on was not an option
20. i wish i didnt have a list of things i wish i didnt do
21. i wish my eye would stop twitching
22. i wish i spoke more languages
23. i wish you would never hurt
24. i wish smiles were permanent and there was no sadness
25. i wish osmosis worked with books
26. i wish i could fix things
27. i wish i took more baths
28. i wish i liked red wine more
29. i wish i was more adventurous
30. i wish the world was a big coffee shop
31. i wish sprite commercials were true
32. i wish i could sleep on my own
33. i wish people just understood
34. i wish that i could change these dark months
35. i wish i could take things back
36. i wish nica and the ppines were closer...much closer
37. i wish i never would have been made at you aud...it was a waste of time
38. i wish that we wouldnt have to learn the hard way
39. i wish i always had the perfect song for the perfect moment
40. i wish that there was some seriousness about world peace
41. i wish that i didnt have instant replay in my head...i think
42. i wish pictures came with a thousand words
43. i wish i had more skin so i could have more tattoos
44. i wish people didnt look down on you for having tattoos
45. i wish i could write a book
46. i wish that not sleeping wasnt always such a bad thing for you
47. i wish that fortune cookies tasted better
48. i wish bugs wouldnt bite
49. i wish that i could be the person i see
50. i wish...

and i do mean happy...

from nutty.

late

theres something about being up...

its currently only 1:15....but its different than 10 or 11. its not the number of hours you have been up or the hours till you wake up. its being here. now. its hard to explain. i think part of it is being along. yes. alone. as for me. i feel that enough. but this is a different kind of along. its a good alone. you do what you want. and you don't keep anyone up or hold anyone up or let anyone down. its just you. you control your thoughts and actions. for me creativity can come about at these hours....but those are the pages in the journal i dont re read often. but they are there. and i am glad they are. yeah my eyes get heavy. but maybe that is my choice of pandora station. city and colour this time of night could be the end of me. but that is ok. whenever my head goes down. i wont fight it. its beautiful that way. yeah there is beauty in how you fall asleep. the shape your body takes...the thoughts you have, the speed your eyes move at. its human in rare form. and its a quite enjoyable from. and this is then followed by dreams. i love the idea of dreams....but not all the dreams. just the opportunity and ability. there is beauty in so much...why dont we see it more often?

what can i do?

"Well ... I think you do know it.

Scarily, I think we both know it, but there's really nothing to do about it.

It's strange. You're probably one of my three closest friends here, definately the one that I connect with on more things than anyone else. I know how impossible a relationship between us would be - how it would very likely sour our friendship, how all of our other friends would disapprove, how is just a bad idea.

It's been a while since I realized how beautiful you are. How, when you tilt your head to read something on the screen, your face is positioned so that you look like a sculpture. How your little black geek glasses and "punk ethic" are some of the most beautiful things about you.

I always think I'm over it, that my reason has finally caught up with me. And, in a way, it has. I know that I will never do anything about this.

However, I also can't seem to completely rid myself of it. Sometimes, when I'm hanging out with everyone, I'll look at you laughing at some stupid joke, and my heart hurts.

Eternal crush, maybe ... what can I do?"

-http://everything2.com/title/You+wouldn%2527t+know+it%252C+but+I+think+you%2527re+achingly+beautiful

Sometimes its 4 a.m.

"Sometimes it's 4am, and my body's still working but my brain shuts down
This is so annoying because I could be doing something but I'm not
Sometimes it's 4am, and my brain's still working, but my body shuts down
This is so annoying because I want to do something but I can't

Sometimes it's 4am, and I just wish this project was over already
It's taken so much time, but the end never seems any closer
Sometimes it's 4am, and I start to get depressed
You really have to wonder whether it's all worth it

Sometimes it's 4am, and I'm emailing lecturers
There's this one great lady who actually sometimes replies within a few minutes
Sometimes it's 4am, and I have to nail a bug before I can sleep
It's generally these nights when I don't sleep at all

Sometimes it's 4am, and Basshunter just isn't loud enough
In the stillness of night, everyone else is asleep
Sometimes it's 4am, and I wish you were here beside me
Alone with my code, the world gets even more lonely"

-http://everything2.com/title/Sometimes+it%2527s+4+a.m.

i actually do:

i read fortunes from fortune cookies...and they usually make perfect sense in my life

i read my horoscope...and usually find them encouraging. i cut the last one out. its in my journal.

i listen to lyrics like i wrote them....or my best friend did.

i dream like they will all come true. and maybe someday. they will.

Work like you don't need the money, love like you've never been hurt and dance like no one is watching.

- Randall G Leighton


As we grow up, we learn that even the one person that wasn't supposed to ever let us down, probably will. You'll have your heart broken and you'll break others' hearts. You'll fight with your best friend or maybe even fall in love with them, and you'll cry because time is flying by. So take too many pictures, laugh too much, forgive freely, and love like you've never been hurt. Life comes with no guarantees, no time outs, no second chances. you just have to live life to the fullest, tell someone what they mean to you and tell someone off, speak out, dance in the pouring rain, hold someone's hand, comfort a friend, fall asleep watching the sun come up, stay up late, be a flirt, and smile until your face hurts. Don't be afraid to take chances or fall in love and most of all, live in the moment because every second you spend angry or upset is a second of happiness you can never get back.

- Unknown


The best kind of friend is the kind you can sit on a
porch swing with, never say a word, and then walk away
feeling like it was the best conversation you've ever had.

- Unknown

from undernier

at the moment.

i feel like life is full of heart breaks. thats all. and maybe...just maybe you find one that lasts long enough that you can forget the actual breaking part. but that just a maybe.
i started that sentence with "i fell" and then erased it. MISTAKE. i did fall. and i hate myself for it now. i didnt whilst i feel. oh no indeed. it was amazing and beautiful and probably the first time i didnt over think every single thing. it felt right. at least more right then it does now.
but that feeling now....it doesnt apply. at least not to him. its been erased and completely forgotten. but for some reason, i wish i knew, the female persuasion loves to keep that feeling close, reliving it, in all its misery and emotion and depth. but theres a bluntness to mans version maybe comparable to a guillotine. will he ever read this no. but do i read what he writes. it takes a lot in me to not some days. mostly Gods grace, and humor.
thats the other thing...i really think God humors me a lot. just gives me little glimpses. like pieces of broken glass, he lets me stumble upon yet another one. and says 'can you see yourself now?' or better yet 'can you see a different part of yourself now?'
the answer is yes.

i used to look at my anonymous friends or followers or whatever they are on here...and just hope. so at least i can say i have hope. that has got to get me somewhere.

i hope

i continue

and i still love

Before the worst

It's been a while since the two of us talked
About a week since the day you walked
Knowing things would never be the same
With your empty heart and mine full of pain
So explain to me, how it came to this
Take it back to the night we kissed
It was Dublin city on a Friday night
You were vodkas and coke, I was Guinness all night

We were sitting with our backs against the world
Saying things that we thought but never heard
Who would have thought it would end up like this?
Where everything we talked about is gone
And the only chance we have of moving on

Is try to take it back
Before it all went wrong

Before the worst, before we mend
Before our hearts decide
It's time to love again
Before too late, before too long
Lets try to take it back
Before it all went wrong

There was a time, that we'd stay up all night
Best friends talking till the daylight
Took the joys alongside the pain
With not much to loose, but so much to gain
Are hearing me? Cause I don't wanna miss,
Set you a drift on memory bliss
It was Grafton Street on a rainy night
I was down on one knee and you where mine for life

We we're thinking we would never be apart
With your name tattooed across my heart
Who would have thought it would end up like this?
Where everything we talked about is gone
And the only chance we have of moving on

Is try to take it back
Before it all went wrong

Before the worst, before we mend
Before our hearts decide
It's time to love again
Before too late, before too long
Lets try to take it back
Before it all went wrong

If the clouds don't clear
Then well rise above it, well rise above it
Heavens gate is so near
Come walk with me through
Just like we use to, just like we use to

Lets take it back
Before it all went wrong

Before the worst, before we mend
Before our hearts decide
It's time to love again
Before too late, before too long
Lets try to take it back
Before it all went wrong

sooo its been awhile

good or bad...im not sure. if i would have been writing all that i have been feeling these last 4-5 weeks...it would have been full of profanity, anger and hopelessness. but God is good...and God is faithful.

i have learned: life goes on. no matter what. and that is a good thing. if life stopped at every little "life stopping thing" then who would be living? we all go through it and thats the point....we all go THROUGH it. as in...we make it to the other side! its bearable...i promise....whatever it is....

you go through bad things so you know what good is. im convinced. thats the way God is. and its awesome....and i love it...and Him ...a lot.

my words of wisdom:
be careful who you give your heart away to...they may not deserve it.
be careful what you trust yourself with....you can be your worst enemy.
be careful what you put your mind to...or at least make sure it is something you really want.
be careful of how you 'let go' of something....it may involve someone elses heart....or yours...even worse.
be careful of how you think of yourself. im convinced you should be your number 1 fan.
be careful where you
be careful where you
be careful where you

i think you got it.
just be careful
it doesnt always turn out the way you think....but its the way its supposed to be.

and always remember....God is there...and He WANTS to be there....thats the best part.

if you think im living in the past....let me know

"You say you gotta go and find yourself
You say that you're becoming someone else
Don't recognize the face in the mirror looking back at you
You say you're leaving as you look away
I know there's really nothing left to say
Just know I'm here whenever you need me, I will wait for you

So I'll let you go, I'll set you free
And when you've seen what you need to see
When you find you...come back to me

Take your time, I won't go anywhere
Picture you with the wind in your hair
I'll keep your things right where you left 'em, I'll be here for you.

Oh, and I'll let you go, I'll set you free
And when you've seen what you need to see
When you find you...come back to me

And I hope you find everything that you need
I'll be right here, waiting to see
You find you...come back to me

And I can't get close if you're not there
I can't get inside if there's no soul there
I can't fix you, I can't save you
It's something you'll have to do.

So I'll let you go, I'll set you free
And when you've seen what you need to see
When you find you...come back to me
Come back to me

So I'll let you go, I'll set you free
And when you've seen what you need to see
When you find you...come back to me

And I hope you find everything that you need.
I'll be right here, waiting to see.
You find you...come back to me

When you find you...come back to me
When you find you...come back to me
You find you...come back to me"

- David Cook

It could be so damn beautiful....you and i...

regret?

Im in one of those moods.....

1."We come to love not by finding a perfect person, but by learning to see an imperfect person perfectly."
- Sam Keen, from To Love and Be Loved

2."The spaces between your fingers were created so that another's could fill them in."
-unknown

3."Have you ever wondered which hurts the most: saying something and wishing you had not, or saying nothing, and wishing you had?"
-unknown

4."10th grade

As I sat there in English class, I stared at the girl next to me. She was my so called "best friend". I stared at her long, silky hair, and wished she was mine. But she didn't notice me like that, and I knew it. After class, she walked up to me and asked me for the notes she had missed the day before and handed them to her. She said "thanks" and gave me a kiss on the cheek. I wanted to tell her, I want her to know that I don't want to be just friends, I love her but I'm just too shy, and I don't know why.
11th grade
The phone rang. On the other end, it was her. She was in tears, mumbling on and on about how her love had broke her heart. She asked me to come over because she didn't want to be alone, so I did. As I sat next to her on the sofa, I stared at her soft eyes, wishing she was mine. After 2 hours, one Drew Barrymore movie, and three bags of chips, she decided to go to sleep. She looked at me, said "thanks" and gave me a kiss on the cheek. I want to tell her, I want her to know that I don't want to be just friends, I love her but I'm just too shy, and I don't know why.
Senior year
The day before prom she walked to my locker. My date is sick" she said; he's not going to go well, I didn't have a date, and in 7th grade, we made a promise that if neither of us had dates, we would go together just as "best friends". So we did. Prom night, after everything was over, I was standing at her front door step. I stared at her as she smiled at me and stared at me with her crystal eyes. I want her to be mine, but she isn't think of me like that, and I know it. Then she said "I had the best time, thanks!" and gave me a kiss on the cheek. I want to tell her, I want her to know that I don't want to be just friends, I love her but I'm just too shy, and I don't know why.
Graduation Day
A day passed, then a week, then a month. Before I could blink, it was graduation day. I watched as her perfect body floated like an angel up on stage to get her diploma. I wanted her to be mine, but she didn't notice me like that, and I knew it. Before everyone went home, she came to me in her smock and hat, and cried as I hugged her. Then she lifted her head from my shoulder and said, "you're my best friend, thanks" and gave me a kiss on the cheek. I want to tell her, I want her to know that I don't want to be just friends, I love her but I'm just too shy, and I don't know why.
A Few Years Later
Now I sit in the pews of the church. That girl is getting married now. I watched her say "I do" and drive off to her new life, married to another man. I wanted her to be mine, but she didn't see me like that, and I knew it. But before she drove away, she came to me and said "you came!". She said "thanks" and kissed me on the cheek. I want to tell her, I want her to know that I don't want to be just friends, I love her but I'm just too shy, and I don't know why.
Funeral
Years passed, I looked down at the coffin of a girl who used to be my "best friend". At the service, they read a diary entry she had wrote in her high school years. This is what it read: I stare at him wishing he was mine, but he doesn't notice me like that, and I know it. I want to tell him, I want him to know that I don't want to be just friends, I love him but I'm just too shy, and I don't know why. I wish he would tell me he loved me! `I wish I did too...` I thought to my self, and I cried.

5. "In the end, it's not going to matter how many breaths you took, but how many moments took your breath away."
-shing xiong

6. "Meeting you was fate, becoming your friend was a choice, but falling in love with you was beyond my control."
-unknown.