late

theres something about being up...

its currently only 1:15....but its different than 10 or 11. its not the number of hours you have been up or the hours till you wake up. its being here. now. its hard to explain. i think part of it is being along. yes. alone. as for me. i feel that enough. but this is a different kind of along. its a good alone. you do what you want. and you don't keep anyone up or hold anyone up or let anyone down. its just you. you control your thoughts and actions. for me creativity can come about at these hours....but those are the pages in the journal i dont re read often. but they are there. and i am glad they are. yeah my eyes get heavy. but maybe that is my choice of pandora station. city and colour this time of night could be the end of me. but that is ok. whenever my head goes down. i wont fight it. its beautiful that way. yeah there is beauty in how you fall asleep. the shape your body takes...the thoughts you have, the speed your eyes move at. its human in rare form. and its a quite enjoyable from. and this is then followed by dreams. i love the idea of dreams....but not all the dreams. just the opportunity and ability. there is beauty in so much...why dont we see it more often?

what can i do?

"Well ... I think you do know it.

Scarily, I think we both know it, but there's really nothing to do about it.

It's strange. You're probably one of my three closest friends here, definately the one that I connect with on more things than anyone else. I know how impossible a relationship between us would be - how it would very likely sour our friendship, how all of our other friends would disapprove, how is just a bad idea.

It's been a while since I realized how beautiful you are. How, when you tilt your head to read something on the screen, your face is positioned so that you look like a sculpture. How your little black geek glasses and "punk ethic" are some of the most beautiful things about you.

I always think I'm over it, that my reason has finally caught up with me. And, in a way, it has. I know that I will never do anything about this.

However, I also can't seem to completely rid myself of it. Sometimes, when I'm hanging out with everyone, I'll look at you laughing at some stupid joke, and my heart hurts.

Eternal crush, maybe ... what can I do?"

-http://everything2.com/title/You+wouldn%2527t+know+it%252C+but+I+think+you%2527re+achingly+beautiful

Sometimes its 4 a.m.

"Sometimes it's 4am, and my body's still working but my brain shuts down
This is so annoying because I could be doing something but I'm not
Sometimes it's 4am, and my brain's still working, but my body shuts down
This is so annoying because I want to do something but I can't

Sometimes it's 4am, and I just wish this project was over already
It's taken so much time, but the end never seems any closer
Sometimes it's 4am, and I start to get depressed
You really have to wonder whether it's all worth it

Sometimes it's 4am, and I'm emailing lecturers
There's this one great lady who actually sometimes replies within a few minutes
Sometimes it's 4am, and I have to nail a bug before I can sleep
It's generally these nights when I don't sleep at all

Sometimes it's 4am, and Basshunter just isn't loud enough
In the stillness of night, everyone else is asleep
Sometimes it's 4am, and I wish you were here beside me
Alone with my code, the world gets even more lonely"

-http://everything2.com/title/Sometimes+it%2527s+4+a.m.

i actually do:

i read fortunes from fortune cookies...and they usually make perfect sense in my life

i read my horoscope...and usually find them encouraging. i cut the last one out. its in my journal.

i listen to lyrics like i wrote them....or my best friend did.

i dream like they will all come true. and maybe someday. they will.

Work like you don't need the money, love like you've never been hurt and dance like no one is watching.

- Randall G Leighton


As we grow up, we learn that even the one person that wasn't supposed to ever let us down, probably will. You'll have your heart broken and you'll break others' hearts. You'll fight with your best friend or maybe even fall in love with them, and you'll cry because time is flying by. So take too many pictures, laugh too much, forgive freely, and love like you've never been hurt. Life comes with no guarantees, no time outs, no second chances. you just have to live life to the fullest, tell someone what they mean to you and tell someone off, speak out, dance in the pouring rain, hold someone's hand, comfort a friend, fall asleep watching the sun come up, stay up late, be a flirt, and smile until your face hurts. Don't be afraid to take chances or fall in love and most of all, live in the moment because every second you spend angry or upset is a second of happiness you can never get back.

- Unknown


The best kind of friend is the kind you can sit on a
porch swing with, never say a word, and then walk away
feeling like it was the best conversation you've ever had.

- Unknown

from undernier

at the moment.

i feel like life is full of heart breaks. thats all. and maybe...just maybe you find one that lasts long enough that you can forget the actual breaking part. but that just a maybe.
i started that sentence with "i fell" and then erased it. MISTAKE. i did fall. and i hate myself for it now. i didnt whilst i feel. oh no indeed. it was amazing and beautiful and probably the first time i didnt over think every single thing. it felt right. at least more right then it does now.
but that feeling now....it doesnt apply. at least not to him. its been erased and completely forgotten. but for some reason, i wish i knew, the female persuasion loves to keep that feeling close, reliving it, in all its misery and emotion and depth. but theres a bluntness to mans version maybe comparable to a guillotine. will he ever read this no. but do i read what he writes. it takes a lot in me to not some days. mostly Gods grace, and humor.
thats the other thing...i really think God humors me a lot. just gives me little glimpses. like pieces of broken glass, he lets me stumble upon yet another one. and says 'can you see yourself now?' or better yet 'can you see a different part of yourself now?'
the answer is yes.

i used to look at my anonymous friends or followers or whatever they are on here...and just hope. so at least i can say i have hope. that has got to get me somewhere.

i hope

i continue

and i still love

Before the worst

It's been a while since the two of us talked
About a week since the day you walked
Knowing things would never be the same
With your empty heart and mine full of pain
So explain to me, how it came to this
Take it back to the night we kissed
It was Dublin city on a Friday night
You were vodkas and coke, I was Guinness all night

We were sitting with our backs against the world
Saying things that we thought but never heard
Who would have thought it would end up like this?
Where everything we talked about is gone
And the only chance we have of moving on

Is try to take it back
Before it all went wrong

Before the worst, before we mend
Before our hearts decide
It's time to love again
Before too late, before too long
Lets try to take it back
Before it all went wrong

There was a time, that we'd stay up all night
Best friends talking till the daylight
Took the joys alongside the pain
With not much to loose, but so much to gain
Are hearing me? Cause I don't wanna miss,
Set you a drift on memory bliss
It was Grafton Street on a rainy night
I was down on one knee and you where mine for life

We we're thinking we would never be apart
With your name tattooed across my heart
Who would have thought it would end up like this?
Where everything we talked about is gone
And the only chance we have of moving on

Is try to take it back
Before it all went wrong

Before the worst, before we mend
Before our hearts decide
It's time to love again
Before too late, before too long
Lets try to take it back
Before it all went wrong

If the clouds don't clear
Then well rise above it, well rise above it
Heavens gate is so near
Come walk with me through
Just like we use to, just like we use to

Lets take it back
Before it all went wrong

Before the worst, before we mend
Before our hearts decide
It's time to love again
Before too late, before too long
Lets try to take it back
Before it all went wrong

sooo its been awhile

good or bad...im not sure. if i would have been writing all that i have been feeling these last 4-5 weeks...it would have been full of profanity, anger and hopelessness. but God is good...and God is faithful.

i have learned: life goes on. no matter what. and that is a good thing. if life stopped at every little "life stopping thing" then who would be living? we all go through it and thats the point....we all go THROUGH it. as in...we make it to the other side! its bearable...i promise....whatever it is....

you go through bad things so you know what good is. im convinced. thats the way God is. and its awesome....and i love it...and Him ...a lot.

my words of wisdom:
be careful who you give your heart away to...they may not deserve it.
be careful what you trust yourself with....you can be your worst enemy.
be careful what you put your mind to...or at least make sure it is something you really want.
be careful of how you 'let go' of something....it may involve someone elses heart....or yours...even worse.
be careful of how you think of yourself. im convinced you should be your number 1 fan.
be careful where you
be careful where you
be careful where you

i think you got it.
just be careful
it doesnt always turn out the way you think....but its the way its supposed to be.

and always remember....God is there...and He WANTS to be there....thats the best part.

if you think im living in the past....let me know

"You say you gotta go and find yourself
You say that you're becoming someone else
Don't recognize the face in the mirror looking back at you
You say you're leaving as you look away
I know there's really nothing left to say
Just know I'm here whenever you need me, I will wait for you

So I'll let you go, I'll set you free
And when you've seen what you need to see
When you find you...come back to me

Take your time, I won't go anywhere
Picture you with the wind in your hair
I'll keep your things right where you left 'em, I'll be here for you.

Oh, and I'll let you go, I'll set you free
And when you've seen what you need to see
When you find you...come back to me

And I hope you find everything that you need
I'll be right here, waiting to see
You find you...come back to me

And I can't get close if you're not there
I can't get inside if there's no soul there
I can't fix you, I can't save you
It's something you'll have to do.

So I'll let you go, I'll set you free
And when you've seen what you need to see
When you find you...come back to me
Come back to me

So I'll let you go, I'll set you free
And when you've seen what you need to see
When you find you...come back to me

And I hope you find everything that you need.
I'll be right here, waiting to see.
You find you...come back to me

When you find you...come back to me
When you find you...come back to me
You find you...come back to me"

- David Cook

It could be so damn beautiful....you and i...

regret?

Im in one of those moods.....

1."We come to love not by finding a perfect person, but by learning to see an imperfect person perfectly."
- Sam Keen, from To Love and Be Loved

2."The spaces between your fingers were created so that another's could fill them in."
-unknown

3."Have you ever wondered which hurts the most: saying something and wishing you had not, or saying nothing, and wishing you had?"
-unknown

4."10th grade

As I sat there in English class, I stared at the girl next to me. She was my so called "best friend". I stared at her long, silky hair, and wished she was mine. But she didn't notice me like that, and I knew it. After class, she walked up to me and asked me for the notes she had missed the day before and handed them to her. She said "thanks" and gave me a kiss on the cheek. I wanted to tell her, I want her to know that I don't want to be just friends, I love her but I'm just too shy, and I don't know why.
11th grade
The phone rang. On the other end, it was her. She was in tears, mumbling on and on about how her love had broke her heart. She asked me to come over because she didn't want to be alone, so I did. As I sat next to her on the sofa, I stared at her soft eyes, wishing she was mine. After 2 hours, one Drew Barrymore movie, and three bags of chips, she decided to go to sleep. She looked at me, said "thanks" and gave me a kiss on the cheek. I want to tell her, I want her to know that I don't want to be just friends, I love her but I'm just too shy, and I don't know why.
Senior year
The day before prom she walked to my locker. My date is sick" she said; he's not going to go well, I didn't have a date, and in 7th grade, we made a promise that if neither of us had dates, we would go together just as "best friends". So we did. Prom night, after everything was over, I was standing at her front door step. I stared at her as she smiled at me and stared at me with her crystal eyes. I want her to be mine, but she isn't think of me like that, and I know it. Then she said "I had the best time, thanks!" and gave me a kiss on the cheek. I want to tell her, I want her to know that I don't want to be just friends, I love her but I'm just too shy, and I don't know why.
Graduation Day
A day passed, then a week, then a month. Before I could blink, it was graduation day. I watched as her perfect body floated like an angel up on stage to get her diploma. I wanted her to be mine, but she didn't notice me like that, and I knew it. Before everyone went home, she came to me in her smock and hat, and cried as I hugged her. Then she lifted her head from my shoulder and said, "you're my best friend, thanks" and gave me a kiss on the cheek. I want to tell her, I want her to know that I don't want to be just friends, I love her but I'm just too shy, and I don't know why.
A Few Years Later
Now I sit in the pews of the church. That girl is getting married now. I watched her say "I do" and drive off to her new life, married to another man. I wanted her to be mine, but she didn't see me like that, and I knew it. But before she drove away, she came to me and said "you came!". She said "thanks" and kissed me on the cheek. I want to tell her, I want her to know that I don't want to be just friends, I love her but I'm just too shy, and I don't know why.
Funeral
Years passed, I looked down at the coffin of a girl who used to be my "best friend". At the service, they read a diary entry she had wrote in her high school years. This is what it read: I stare at him wishing he was mine, but he doesn't notice me like that, and I know it. I want to tell him, I want him to know that I don't want to be just friends, I love him but I'm just too shy, and I don't know why. I wish he would tell me he loved me! `I wish I did too...` I thought to my self, and I cried.

5. "In the end, it's not going to matter how many breaths you took, but how many moments took your breath away."
-shing xiong

6. "Meeting you was fate, becoming your friend was a choice, but falling in love with you was beyond my control."
-unknown.

"Nothing compares to a quiet evening alone
Just the one-two of us, who's counting on
That never happens
I guess I'm dreaming again
Let's be more than this

If you want to play it like a game
Well, come on, come on, let's play
Cause I'd rather waste my life pretending
Than have to forget you for one whole minute"
-Paramore

Someone like you- Safetysuite

If I were strong enough, if I were wrong enough to be someone like you
Would you have let me come to be with you
If I had made my own and I had overcome to be someone like you
Would you have let me come to be with you

If I could be with someone like you
Would you, would you be strong enough for me
And if I could stay with someone like you
Would you, would you be strong enough

If I had made my way, if I had chose to stay and be someone like you
Would you have let me come to be with you
If I had made myself become like someone else and be someone like you
Would you have let me come to be with you

If I could be with someone like you
Would you, would you be strong enough for me
And if I could stay with someone like you
Would you, would you be strong enough for me

Can you see me holding you right in my arms, right in my arms

If I could be with someone who's just like you
Would you, would you, would you be strong enough for me
If I could be with someone like you
Would you, would you be strong enough for me
And if I could stay with someone like you
Would you, would you be strong enough for me

Would you be strong
Would you be strong

“I think we dream so we don't have to be apart so long. If we're in each other's dreams, we can be together all the time.” Calvin & Hobbes

dreams do come true...

“Dream what you want to dream; go where you want to go; be what you want to be, because you have only one life and one chance to do all the things you want to do."

"Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as braided hair and the wearing of gold jewelry and fine clothes. Instead, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God's sight."

-1 Peter 3:3-4

We are women....women with candy necklaces!

"Maybe I'll sleep inside my coat and
Wait on the porch 'til you come back home
Oh, right
I can't find a flight
So I'll check the weather wherever you are
Cause I wanna know if you can see the stars tonight
It might be my only right

We share the sadness
Split screen sadness

I called
Because
I just
Need to feel you on the line
Don't hang up this time
And I know it was me who called it over but
I still wish you'd fought me 'til your dying day

Don't let me get away"
-John Mayer

THE ONLY WAY OUT....

I DO>>>>>DO YOU

"Rain on my hopes
Rain on my soul
Rain on everything that I know
It feels so ludicrous
The pursuit of this dream

We thought we’d be there long ago"
- Classic Crime

STAND BY ME

I WISH I WAS HERE>>>>

Belief- Gavin Degraw

Belief
Makes things real
Makes things feel
Feel alright
Belief
Makes things true
Things like you
You and I
Tonight, you arrested my mind
When you came to my defense
With a knife
In the shape of your mouth
In the form of your body
With the wrath of a god
Oh, you stood by me
Belief
Builds from scratch
Doesn't need to relax
It doesn't need space
Long live the queen and I'll be the king
In the collar of grace
Tonight, you arrested my mind
When you came to my defense
With a knife
In the shape of your mouth
In the form of your body
With the wrath of a god
Oh, you stood by me
Belief
I'm going to yell it from the rooftops
I'll wear a sign on my chest
That's the least I can do
Tonight, you arrested my mind
When you came to my defense
With a knife
In the shape of your mouth
In the form of your body
With the wrath of a god
Oh, you stood by me
Tonight, you arrested my mind
When you came to my defense
With a knife
In the shape of your mouth
In the form of your body
With the wrath of a god
Oh, you stood by me
And I'll stand by my
Belief

" One must love everyone, especially those who hate you; for it is too easy to love only those who love us."

Jesus Christ --- Submitted by Flavio Roloff --- Brazil

" It is good to dream, but it is better to dream and work. Faith is mighty, but action with faith is mightier. Desiring is helpful, but work and desire are invincible."
Thomas Robert Gaines

“Love is like a Rubix Cube, there are countless numbers of wrong twists and turns, but when you get it right, it looks perfect no matter what way you look at it”

-Brian Cramer

by: Vol-au-Vent

"If we did all the things that we are capable of doing, we would literally astound ourselves."

-Thomas Edison

It really does happen....

my colors will be clear...

" I am part of the 'Fellowship of the Unashamed." I have the Holy Spirit power. The die has been cast. I've stepped over the line. The decision has been made. I am a disciple of His. I won't look back, let up, slow down, back away, or be still. My past is redeemed, my present makes sense, and my future is secure. I am finished and done with low living, slight walking, small planning, smooth knees, colorless dreams, tame vision, mundane talking, chintzy living and dwarfed goals!

I no longer need preeminence, prosperity, promotions, plaudits, or popularity. I don't have to be right, first, top, recognized, praised, regarded, or rewarded. I now live by presence, lean by faith, love by patience, lift by prayer, and labor by power.

My face is set, my gait is fast, my goal is heaven, my road is narrow, my way is rough, my complains few, my Guide reliable, my mission clear. I cannot be bought, compromised, detoured, lured away, turned back, diluted, or delayed. I will not flinch in the face of sacrifice, hesitate in the presence of adversity, negotiate at the table of the enemy, ponder at the pool of popularity, or meander in the maze of mediocrity.

I won't give up, shut up, let up, or burn up, 'til I've preached up, prayed up, paid up, stored up, and stayed up for the cause of Christ.

I am a disciple of Jesus. I must go 'til He comes, give 'til I drop, preach 'til all know, and work 'til He stops.

And when He comes to get His own, He'll have no problems recognizing me. My colors will be clear."

i made it to Stillwater Lumberjack Festival...

it is surprising how life can be so incredibly enjoyable especially when you least expect it. i was just 'getting away', exploring, being myself, and this is where i ended up. i had no idea what would be in Stillwater, just a river, and a bridge- cool pictures right? yeah.
well after getting lost and finding some other stillwater boulevard 15 miles away i finally made my way down Myrtle st. which took me right to the river! coming over the top of that first hill it was almost a drop off down to the river. it was minnesota's version of san francisco i am pretty sure. Well i finally found myself on 2nd street and parked the jeep. grabbed noels camera and started walking. i walked down one huge hill and up the other side- walking towards church steeples- something that always catches my eye untill i get in front of them. it kind of makes me feel like i am back in spain.
i love being a stranger in a random town. when you get out of the car, you are the only person who knows who you really are. you can at this point fool anyone- be anyone you want. skinny jeans, flannel shirt, 'stunner shades' and a camera made me almost invisible in my eyes. i felt like i could be anything i wanted to be. in a way- i was me in truest form.
i walked a lot- everywhere- not just where the 'festival' was going on, but wherever i wanted. i finally made it to the congested part of town (made me a bit nervous) but it was an adventure. There were kids activities everywhere, music, dogs, everything. I have this theory that picture never really capture the true beauty of what you see...it only helps remind you, just so you dont forget. its true tho- you cant hear or feel or smell pictures. i felt like that was the case, even as i took pictures, it never really captured everything.
I found a precious couple just sitting down by the river, just watching. They asked about noels camera and if i was just taking pictures for personal reasons. I thought about it in my head- there should never be any other reason to take pictures. but the conversation was fun- thats where i found out it was indeed a lumberjack festival. i wandered farther and farther from my car untill i was in a word 'beneath it'. i wish i would have counted how many stairs i had to climb to get back to the park where i started at on 2nd street. i joined the 3 others climbing up the stairs. lets just say we were all out of breath. i was shocked there could be so many damn stairs!!! but the park at the top makes it all worth it (and my car was kinda up there too). the view: the world.
yes i got lost on the way back- how did you know? but i got to see the sunset from a whole other perspective. i love getting lost when you can find beauty in it. then its ok.
the drive back completed the journey. i love being alone and thinking, nothing serious, just thinking, just being. i am not really sure how i got so lucky as to be a part of the lumberjack festival july 25 2009.

“I love you not only for what you are, but for what I am when I am with you. I love you not only for what you have made of yourself, but for what you are making of me. I love you for the part of me that you bring out.”

— Roy Croft

half way to ?

this year is one big ? but God is good...and He is what i am listening to.

ONE DAY AT A TIME>>>

no perfect fairytale...

i dont want to be a mountain someone has to climb to see the horizon, to see the sun. i dont enjoy being in the way, but life gets messy. i am scared to cause people a detour in life, that i could be an unexpected thing, that no one sees coming or has time to plan for. i know there has to be some amount of spontaneous "ness" to life- thats the spice of life, but the element of suprise is...well...a suprise. i guess it depends who you are and if you enjoy suprises. i am terrified of the one i meet who will love me. i am scared to let myself go again, to have the expectations, to compare myself. my biggest fear right now- comparison! is that pathetic? i want the biggest and best life, lived to the fullest! but who doesnt? the thought of him looking at me and actually seing all this- knowing the real me- wow! and wanting the same things, seeing God in every moment of life. totally random subject but i was thinking the other day during church in the park, i want to be able to lean over and tell him to watch the pages of the pastors Bible as they dance in the wind, i want to share the little things with him, and i want him to think it is beautiful too. is it possible? to be enough alike but to still remain as individuals? in order to become one you have to have so many things in common right? or is that a misconception? is the idea of being side by side- FRIENDS- untill that ring is on my finger- can it really turn out that way? my perception of the 'perfect fairytale' is not at all a fairytale. i have another story in my head- its not from hollywood...its from my heart.

"Though our feelings come and go, God's love for us does not."
-C.S. Lewis.

people are like sponges...

I dont want to be influenced. but i am...daily. my first reaction: stop the noise- put the headphones in so i can stop the outside influence and be my own. but that is not what life is about. influence is everywhere, absolutely without a doubt. and God puts it all there for a reason. I really do believe that God puts everything around you so you can learn and be influenced, it is what you do with these influences that is important. i can honestly say that these last few months i have made a point to learn something from everyone i talk with....its working out. my mind is open in a good way...i dont automatically throw someones words out the window because of something in the past...but rather i listen harder. i want to see hearts, not bodies. my desire is to know people, to really know their hearts and then to learn from them. it is like people are sponges...and i just want to squeeze every ounce of knowledge or opinion out of them, for my own sake. i feel hungery, to see God thru people, i want ultimately see his influence on people and really learn from that.

"Journeys end in lovers meeting..."

"I’ve found almost everything ever written about love to be true. Shakespeare said ”Journeys end in lovers meeting.” What an extraordinary thought. Personally, I have not experienced anything remotely close to that, but I am more than willing to believe Shakespeare had. I suppose I think about love more than anyone really should. I am constantly amazed by its sheer power to alter and define our lives. It was Shakespeare who also said ”love is blind”. Now that is something I know to be true. For some quite inexplicably, love fades; for others love is simply lost. But then of course love can also be found, even if just for the night. And then, there’s another kind of love: the cruelest kind. The one that almost kills its victims. Its called unrequited love. Of that I am an expert. Most love stories are about people who fall in love with each other. But what about the rest of us? What about our stories, those of us who fall in love alone? We are the victims of the one sided affair. We are the cursed of the loved ones. We are the unloved ones, the walking wounded. The handicapped without the advantage of a great parking space!"
- opening quote from The Holiday

i need...

"In God's world receiving love comes before giving love. We learn how to love only when we first learn how to receive the love of God and others. 'We love because he first loved us.'" This has blown my little world apart. The thinking in the world today is so backwards. It seems that you should give love....and then you will receive it. But maybe the way it really works is you have to receive it in order to know how to to truly give it.
I am reading True Faced with my 'small group'. I feel like everyone needs to read this chapter- 'The supreme gift of grace: love'.
Love is the topic....and a hard one at that. There are a lot of questions when it comes to love. But before you can answer how and when and what kind and who....we need to understand what its base is.
One of the steps I need to take in order to start experiencing love is understanding that I have needs.
Even typing that is hard for me!
But its a step I need to take! To admit that I need anything....has the possibility to kill me.
"If we see needs as weaknesses, we will hide our needs and limitations and call it self-reliance. Or we'll pretend that we have no needs and call it independence. Or we may believe no one should ever have to meet our needs and call it strength. Or we believe that as we get more 'spiritual' we outgrow our needs. This, we say, is maturity."

With out needs we can't experience love....how will we know what it is when it is met. When our needs are met we are loved...but how can love happen if we are denying our needs or just being completely blind to them. "Needs give us the capacity to feel loved."

Cry out: "I am unbelievably miserable and I need help."

Another important part of this love is trust. We need to be able to trust the person before we can let them love us.
"Lost in the darkness
Silence surrounds you.
Once there was morning
Now endless night.

If I could reach you,
I'd guide you and teach you
To walk from the darkness
Back to the Light."
-Jekyll & Hyde, The musical, act one

"Received love turns
frightened pretenders
into confident dreamers."


Reaching this point may seem impossible, it does to me right now. But my desire to truly be able to love someone because they have loved me is enticing. The path is long but if the desire to live life to the fullest is there...then what can stop us? Once you have this love it will be contagious... you won't be able to keep it!

the perfect date....

noel inspired me to daydream about jesus...call me a copy cat....i dont care.

Jesus walked out while i was layin there in my swim suit soaking up the colorado sun. He smiles and stretches then sprawls out in the lawn chair next to me. He is tall...and perfectly not good looking. but my heart beats as he sits down next to me....i love this man. we get past small talk...and i tell him my heart still hurts. He grabs my hand and looks me in the eyes, "i know. i promise, it will get better." his hand stays on my arm, his smile grows. i think Jesus loves dark skin, he is dark....one of his best ideas.
we walked in the woods, i told him i love his creation and dont understand how people can live without seeing some of these things, like always being in the city. he told me that he has creation in the city too... hmmmm.
i told him i am scared for my brother. his face looked sad, there was silence, no emotion besides pain. he told me he was sad too, but he always has hope. he reminded me of the 99 and 1. we sat there...hopeful, tears streaming down our cheeks.
we talked about Gods wrath...i told him how the other parts of him seem to cover that up, but im still scared of it....for many reasons.
we layed under the stars in silence....i love the stars....
it was a good day...

Frontier Airlines= ruby slippers!

I had the most amazing flight back home last night. It is always in those times where you are getting upset or frustrated that you get blown away. I was starting to get upset...we just sitting there...on the runway, getting ready to go, but not moving! frustrated, especially when your parents are waitin only 45 minutes away. But once we took off, my eyes were opened. I was preparing myself to sleep, but God had another plan. The clouds rushed by as we continued upwards... You know when you are sitting on the ground looking up and there are a lot of clouds but you can see the moon shining thru...get on a plane!!! DO IT! The moon is absolutely amazing from the other side!! The clouds look like grape cotton candy, delisious enough to eat...but i dont like grape flavored anything...anyways! i was sitting there thinking...'wow, i feel like im flying' then i had to stop myslef from laughing out loud becuase...well i was flying. yeah...the penalties of stayin up to late...and such.
but there is something about the moon. there just is, i want so much to explain in...but i cant, there are no words. But God's creation is amazing and catches me off guard so offten. i was loving Jesus so much last night as i sat next to the most random old cowboy who clutched his cowboy hat in his hands, the girls behind me talked on and on about twilight until i put my headphones, and this only added to what i saw. There always needs to be a soundtrack to what you do....always! i think next time i hear those songs....i will think of that night.
I am blessed and i know it and better yet, i dont deserve any of this! My God is good and He is amazing. I am so loved, by Him, by family, by people; and i love them all back... i only wish i was better at expressing it. What if people could connect the way God and i did last night as i looked at his creation and longed to know him better...what if people could understand that. If you could feel loved and satisfied from me looking at the moon and loving it... that blows my mind. i think i do this in some small ways. i am a people watcher....i love to do it. but even if i am driving 70 miles an hour down a high way the person in front of me sticks their hand out the window and plays with the wind, i find extreme joy in that, there is an element of thrill. I do this everday, with almost everone. people are beautiful, you just have to look, and love follows.

Jesus is good!! There is something about being with your family...even if you're just chillin on the couch...just loving life!!! I get to spend be next 24 hours just being. Absorbing family and all that that includes. It feels great...like feeling you belong. My brother is leaving Tuesday ....timing? Perfect. I love life...thank you Jesus!

Happy yet?

I am not alone...

I WISH I HAD RUBY SLIPPERS....

still remains

RAIN
- elle klein

there's something about the rain that brings me closer to you. you can see it coming and hear it fall, the scent is in the air. it hits my face, i look up and see your grace as it covers me. it soaks through my hair and penetrates my soul; i feel renewed, i feel refreshed as i twirl- hands out reaching for you. the little drops plummet down bringing life to earth. the happiness builds inside and escapes my lips with a smile of gratitude. the blessing of rain never comes to late but when you feel down, it reminds you of who you are but also that there is always more. rain has a way putting you in your place but loving every moment of it. your grace is enough and still remains, and i wish it would rain every day.

I miss those rolling hills and sharp jagged rocky formations that reach toward the God that made them. I miss the snow that reflects the sun, even on the warmest summer day. and the beautiful turning rivers and streams that whisper softly to you as you lay there under the sun. all this is calling to me, the city is big, and cold. home is where your heart it...

happiness is...

"The best remedy for those who are afraid, lonely or unhappy is to go outside, somewhere where they can be quiet, alone with the heavens, nature and God. Because only then does one feel that all is as it should be and that God wishes to see people happy, amidst the simple beauty of nature."

- Anne Frank

"Happiness cannot come from without. It must come from within. It is not what we see and touch or that which others do for us which makes us happy; it is that which we think and feel and do, first for the other fellow and then for ourselves."

-Hellen Keller

"The most I can do for my friend is simply to be his friend. I have no wealth to bestow on him. If he knows that I am happy in loving him, he will want no other reward. Is not friendship divine in this?"

-Henry David Thoreu

And blogging from my phone becomes a new favorite. I go thru life making lists of things I love....it makes each day just a little bit better. But life has been crazy enough as it is. And I thank God for the craziness...it keeps me on my toes, my head up, facing him- ready to follow!

So I was just thinking how amazing this really is...how I am laying here in bed texting my blogs because my Internet just died. And wow there went the power too....can we talk about ghetto really fast. Wow.

My day was full and I'm tierd....that swim back did me in...but it made my life that much happier. I praise you Jesus for the life you give....

Wow!!! You have got to be kidding me!!!! Technology is rediculous!!!

I'm trying blogging from my phone???

AMAZING BECAUSE IT IS...

This song....simple but so powerful

amazing because it is- the almost

I was so scared of everything you put in front of me
I've been marching to every part of me
Just to see
see
Why you need me to be
The boy you need me to be

Amazing grace
How sweet the sound
That saves a wretch like me
I once was lost
And now I'm found
Was blind but now I see

I just wanna see

I'm the type of person who lets fear drive
I'm the type of guy that lets it drive
Cause I'm addicted, I'm needy
I'm lost without you
I need you
I need you

Amazing grace
How sweet the sound
That saves a wretch like me
I once was lost
But now I'm found
Was blind but now I see

Amazing grace (amazing grace)
How sweet the sound (how sweet)
That saves a wretch like me (that saved a wretch like me)
I once was lost
But now I'm found (you know I'm found)
Was blind but now I see

Amazing grace (you're amazing)
How sweet the sound (you're amazing)
That saves a wretch like me
I once was lost (it feels so bad when you're lost and alone)
But now I'm found
Was blind but now I see

61 days....GOD IS GOOD!!!

i feel so accomplished. God is good and gets all the glory. i felt alone, even surrounded by almost 100 students, but God has revealed himself to me, and i am blessed. God has shown himself to me in my lowest of lows and brought to me the people i need the most. i am thankful i was in that low place in order to see both sides of the valley i am in. i get the privilege of looking back, and seeing who i was, what God has brought me out of but then also looking ahead to what God has in store for me now! i am so excited to see what He will bring. He is so good to me, i do not deserve His love, and yet He gave it all for me. i am humbled everyday. i praise you Jesus.

i was thinking about how much life is like a roller coaster...and found this on the internet....not sure who it was...but i agree....

LIFE AND THE ROLLER COASTER

November 1, 2000

"I have never figured out why people will pay thirty-six dollars to get into an amusement park so that they can rides that scare them silly and raise their stress level to the max. Yet, the amusement parks (I find the name a little strange) would go out of business if it didn't have rides that sent your stress level off the chart. We pay, and pay big, to be beat to death in a little cart dropping off a hill and flipping us upside down two or three times stopping just in time for most people to catch their stomach.

On the other hand, let some outside stress come into life, something we didn't pay for, and suddenly the world is coming to an end. Since everyone says we can't have stress, or at least not the kind we don't pay for, then we must have a fix.

"Doctor just give me a vacation, some place warm please." "Can't do that? Well -- maybe a pill? A drink?"

How come we can be so brave and tough on the roller coaster and be so whimsy and whinny when the boss wants the job done by five? Actually, I've done a done a little thinking on this matter (Some of you stop laughing right now!). I think I have come up with four simple reasons why "unpaid for" stress get us down so quickly.

First, life's stress events get us down so easily because we are not expecting them. On the roller coaster you knew when you got to the top of the hill that stress was shortly coming. No one can predict exactly when stressful event in life come but we do know they will. A life that is "prayed up" and in touch with God is prepared when those stress related moments come. God's safety straps of love help you hold on and you of his care. The closer you are to Him the easier it is to hold on.

Next, we doubt or forget the security and safety of the Lord. When some youth from my church talks me into riding one of those silly rides, I do so only because I believe that they are somewhat safe. You would never get anyone, with any sense, to ride one of those things it they thought they might really die. When life sends us through the loop, it is assuring to know God is with you all the way. We get stressed out when we forget that we can depend on the security and protection of the Lord.

Another reason the amusement ride is fun and normal everyday stress events drain us is because we lose sight of the end. No matter how high the hill, no matter how fast the ride, no matter how many loops, the roller coaster ride has the glorious end when you can stop and get out. The knowledge that there is an end has helped me through many a tough ride in life. Focus of the simple truth that what every event has an end.

Lastly, but perhaps the single greatest reason we get stressed in everyday life but survive and enjoy the stress of riding "The Wild Thing," is our mindset. We go to an amusement park with the full intention of riding the rides for the thrill of it. We make it fun (Okay some of us do). When we view life with the mindset that this is going to be fun, suddenly stressful events aren't any more that a roller coaster ride.

Hang on tight and enjoy the ride!"

--- Author Unknown --- Sent in by Joyce C. --- Singapore

life goes on....

Remember that one time when i was actually going to keep up and keep writing, why? why does life get so busy so that the most important things get pushed aside? that is sad, and yet life goes on. that has been my catch phrase for the last few months, 'life goes on'. i am not sure what i really mean when i say it besides 'oh well'. This has been my struggle. i am in a place that i am unsure of, and scared of, and maybe getting comfortable in....too comfortable. Can you get to comfortable in a place where you are constantly challenged, encouraged and not constant? Is that even possible?
i dont have the answer....
i was inspired to write because of my friend, to write and share life.
my life has been crazy lately, and i love it. God is continuing to throw me for loops, big and large, some that i love looking back on, others i love looking back on how i conquered them, only with Gods help.
I have thought many times in my Christian life about the end result of many situations if i were not a Christian.....suicide came up most of the time. But God is good, and God will sustain!
God is capable of taking the worst situations and making the best outcomes! He loves us, and proves that to us over and over again!
as my facebook status says right now:life really is good, just open your eyes beyond your situation and see the big picture God is painting....its beautiful!!
amen and amen

Rely

To be dependent for support, help, or supply: relies on her parents for tuition.
To place or have faith or confidence: relied on them to tell him the truth.
To depend confidently; put trust in

There are way to many things in your life today that you can rely on. We turn to and rely on everything that will give us our momentary highs. We look to the world and the things of the world just to make us happy. It is because we are such a demanding world, instant satisfaction is our goal in almost everything we do. We walk around looking for ice cream cones; something sweet that will soon just melt away.
When we search after the things that will not fill us up we end up feeling emptier than before. We put a lot into what ever we are searching for; as humans we know how to give 100% to what we want. So I guess that means we need to know what we really want! We need to set our eyes on one thing, we need to make a choice and stick to it.
It seems what ever I write always goes this direction, but maybe it is for a reason.
We as people can not look to people for anything. When we do we will be let down, it’s a given and its simple. We need more in life than what people will say or do for us, but there is the flip side of that where we do need people around us. I guess it comes down to if you are depending on the people around you for more than you are depending on God for. If you turn to people before you turn to God, if you look for those sweet nothings that soon fade away, but still feeling empty, your turning to the wrong thing. When we completely turn to him and look fully to him for all we need, then we will start to feel full and content. One thing God does not promise, is an easy life, it is easy to say that when you look to God you will fell better, more full. But when you are in a hard spot in life, that is the true test. When hardships come and you can still look at God, without anger or hate, then you know that you have looked to the right thing, as he promised, the thing that will last.
This is a challenge, its not the easiest thing to figure out, but as humans we are capable of going hard after something we want. When we chose God he will spur us on and feed the fire that keeps us pressing towards him.

Draw me away

Draw me away. Three simple words but what do they mean? Is it as simple as just asking God to draw you away? Or is it more? I think that there are so many questions that need to be asked. What are you being drawn from, what are you being drawn toward? Pulling yourself away from this world for a little 'reality check' is a great idea. But doing this and calling out to God to draw yourself toward him is even better. Gods desire is to take you into his arms, but when you are willing it is even better. We need to humble our hearts and press into God even as he pulls us into his arms. His desire for it to just be him and us is immense! Take time in your day to draw yourself away from the business of everyday life and press into God.

Its alwasy today....

Hebrew 3:13-14 "But encourage one another daily, as long as it is called Today, so that none of you may be hardened by sin's deceitfulness. We have come to share in Christ if we hold firmly till the end the confidence we had at first."

To Encourage:
to inspire with courage, spirit, or confidence:
to stimulate by assistance, approval, etc.:
to promote, advance, or foster:

What does it mean to encourage and what does it mean to people today? This is a question that I think comes up in every ones mind. We all strive to be encouraging and desire to be encouraged, but what does it really mean? In Hebrews is says to encourage daily, as long as it is today, which by the way, is everyday! When you start to think about it that can be a really hard task. We all have our off days when we are just not feeling like encouraging anyone. But when you look at the next part of the verse it says, "so that none of you may be hardened by sins deceitfulness." When you look at it that way it should maybe change the importance of how much it means to encourage someone daily! It should spur us on, to protect our brothers and sisters from deceit. It should not be based on weather or not we feel like encouraging, it should be based on the love that we have for one another as Christians! We should desire the best for our brothers and sisters in Christ! By inspiring or helping or promoting our brothers and sisters daily we are protecting them from the effects of sin.
If you were to think about a day of no encouragement I think that your mind would automatically go to all of the 'bad' things that happened in your day. Putting your mind back on these things may open your mind to sin and thoughts that are overall not pleasing to God. We should be daily fixing our thoughts on Jesus, and by doing this it should make the process of encouraging others much easier. How much better would your day be if it was started out with an encouraging word from a friend, you would spend the rest of the day remembering that rather than opening your mind to other things.
Over all I want to push you to strive to be encouraging. I think of the Coke a cola commercial where one guy does a nice thing and someone else catches him and that nice thing is followed by anther nice thing, it can become a cycle. I hope that by encouraging one person today, that it will encourage that person to lift up their brothers and sisters.
The last part of the verse says, "We have come to share in Christ, if we hold firmly till the end the confidence we had at first." We belong to Christ, or share in Him. By encouraging and being encouraged it will help us to stand firm in what we believe about belonging to Christ. We are confident in Christ and encouragement will bring us back to the basics of what we believe.
Keep Seeking Him!

Take Action

Revelations 3- (The message)
To Sardis
1 Write this to Sardis, to the Angel of the church. The One holding the Seven Spirits of God in one hand, a firm grip on the Seven Stars with the other, speaks: "I see right through your work. You have a reputation for vigor and zest, but you're dead, stone-dead. 2-3"Up on your feet! Take a deep breath! Maybe there's life in you yet. But I wouldn't know it by looking at your busywork; nothing of God's work has been completed. Your condition is desperate. Think of the gift you once had in your hands, the Message you heard with your ears—grasp it again and turn back to God. "If you pull the covers back over your head and sleep on, oblivious to God, I'll return when you least expect it, break into your life like a thief in the night. 4"You still have a few followers of Jesus in Sardis who haven't ruined themselves wallowing in the muck of the world's ways. They'll walk with me on parade! They've proved their worth! 5"Conquerors will march in the victory parade, their names indelible in the Book of Life. I'll lead them up and present them by name to my Father and his Angels. 6"Are your ears awake? Listen. Listen to the Wind Words, the Spirit blowing through the churches."
To Philadelphia 7Write this to Philadelphia, to the Angel of the church. The Holy, the True—David's key in his hand, opening doors no one can lock, locking doors no one can open—speaks: 8"I see what you've done. Now see what I've done. I've opened a door before you that no one can slam shut. You don't have much strength, I know that; you used what you had to keep my Word. You didn't deny me when times were rough. 9"And watch as I take those who call themselves true believers but are nothing of the kind, pretenders whose true membership is in the club of Satan—watch as I strip off their pretensions and they're forced to acknowledge it's you that I've loved. 10"Because you kept my Word in passionate patience, I'll keep you safe in the time of testing that will be here soon, and all over the earth, every man, woman, and child put to the test. 11"I'm on my way; I'll be there soon. Keep a tight grip on what you have so no one distracts you and steals your crown. 12"I'll make each conqueror a pillar in the sanctuary of my God, a permanent position of honor. Then I'll write names on you, the pillars: the Name of my God, the Name of God's City—the new Jerusalem coming down out of Heaven—and my new Name. 13"Are your ears awake? Listen. Listen to the Wind Words, the Spirit blowing through the churches."
To Laodicea
14Write to Laodicea, to the Angel of the church. God's Yes, the Faithful and Accurate Witness, the First of God's creation, says:15-17"I know you inside and out, and find little to my liking. You're not cold, you're not hot—far better to be either cold or hot! You're stale. You're stagnant. You make me want to vomit. You brag, 'I'm rich, I've got it made, I need nothing from anyone,' oblivious that in fact you're a pitiful, blind beggar, threadbare and homeless.
18"Here's what I want you to do: Buy your gold from me, gold that's been through the refiner's fire. Then you'll be rich. Buy your clothes from me, clothes designed in Heaven. You've gone around half-naked long enough. And buy medicine for your eyes from me so you can see, really see. 19"The people I love, I call to account—prod and correct and guide so that they'll live at their best. Up on your feet, then! About face! Run after God! 20-21"Look at me. I stand at the door. I knock. If you hear me call and open the door, I'll come right in and sit down to supper with you. Conquerors will sit alongside me at the head table, just as I, having conquered, took the place of honor at the side of my Father. That's my gift to the conquerors! 22"Are your ears awake? Listen. Listen to the Wind Words, the Spirit blowing through the churches."

Our God is a jealous God! He desires nothing less than all of our heart! But because of our flesh and sin in our life it is so hard for us to completely say yes to God. But is it really that hard? Can we really live in this world and not be of it? Is it possible to live in this world and still follow hard after God? I believe it is, but its not easy. God never said that once we commit our lives to Him that our life would be easy, please find the verse or promise! If anything God warned us that it would not be easy!
John 15: 20 (NASB) says, "Remember the word that I said to you, 'A slave is not greater than his master ' If they persecuted Me, they will also persecute you; if they kept My word, they will keep yours also."
God never promises easy.
Matthew 16:24 says, "Then Jesus said to His disciples, "If anyone wishes to come after Me, he must deny himself, and take up his cross and follow Me."
Besides the main point of following after Him I think that we skip over the denying of self. What does that mean to us? I can not sit here and tell you what it means to just you, it means something different to every person. To deny yourself is to stop making yourself the object of your life and everything you do. It is so much easier to say than to live out. But the point is that we have to strive to live it out! When we deny our self only then can we wholeheartedly follow Him.
The Holy Spirit can convict us, but we need to act on that conviction and not just go back to our lives and wish we could do something about it. The list of what self denial is NOT is much longer than the list of what self denial actually IS! Self denial is choosing God over yourself. It is taking action! It is staying strong in Him. It IS taking your eyes off of yourself and putting them on the one who loved you enough to save you.
God is calling us to a radical lifestyle, not one of a self gratification and pleasure. This life is about loving the one who first loved us. He is always calling us to a higher standard the result is up to you, you just have to take action.
Keep seeking Him~