late

theres something about being up...

its currently only 1:15....but its different than 10 or 11. its not the number of hours you have been up or the hours till you wake up. its being here. now. its hard to explain. i think part of it is being along. yes. alone. as for me. i feel that enough. but this is a different kind of along. its a good alone. you do what you want. and you don't keep anyone up or hold anyone up or let anyone down. its just you. you control your thoughts and actions. for me creativity can come about at these hours....but those are the pages in the journal i dont re read often. but they are there. and i am glad they are. yeah my eyes get heavy. but maybe that is my choice of pandora station. city and colour this time of night could be the end of me. but that is ok. whenever my head goes down. i wont fight it. its beautiful that way. yeah there is beauty in how you fall asleep. the shape your body takes...the thoughts you have, the speed your eyes move at. its human in rare form. and its a quite enjoyable from. and this is then followed by dreams. i love the idea of dreams....but not all the dreams. just the opportunity and ability. there is beauty in so much...why dont we see it more often?

what can i do?

"Well ... I think you do know it.

Scarily, I think we both know it, but there's really nothing to do about it.

It's strange. You're probably one of my three closest friends here, definately the one that I connect with on more things than anyone else. I know how impossible a relationship between us would be - how it would very likely sour our friendship, how all of our other friends would disapprove, how is just a bad idea.

It's been a while since I realized how beautiful you are. How, when you tilt your head to read something on the screen, your face is positioned so that you look like a sculpture. How your little black geek glasses and "punk ethic" are some of the most beautiful things about you.

I always think I'm over it, that my reason has finally caught up with me. And, in a way, it has. I know that I will never do anything about this.

However, I also can't seem to completely rid myself of it. Sometimes, when I'm hanging out with everyone, I'll look at you laughing at some stupid joke, and my heart hurts.

Eternal crush, maybe ... what can I do?"

-http://everything2.com/title/You+wouldn%2527t+know+it%252C+but+I+think+you%2527re+achingly+beautiful

Sometimes its 4 a.m.

"Sometimes it's 4am, and my body's still working but my brain shuts down
This is so annoying because I could be doing something but I'm not
Sometimes it's 4am, and my brain's still working, but my body shuts down
This is so annoying because I want to do something but I can't

Sometimes it's 4am, and I just wish this project was over already
It's taken so much time, but the end never seems any closer
Sometimes it's 4am, and I start to get depressed
You really have to wonder whether it's all worth it

Sometimes it's 4am, and I'm emailing lecturers
There's this one great lady who actually sometimes replies within a few minutes
Sometimes it's 4am, and I have to nail a bug before I can sleep
It's generally these nights when I don't sleep at all

Sometimes it's 4am, and Basshunter just isn't loud enough
In the stillness of night, everyone else is asleep
Sometimes it's 4am, and I wish you were here beside me
Alone with my code, the world gets even more lonely"

-http://everything2.com/title/Sometimes+it%2527s+4+a.m.

i actually do:

i read fortunes from fortune cookies...and they usually make perfect sense in my life

i read my horoscope...and usually find them encouraging. i cut the last one out. its in my journal.

i listen to lyrics like i wrote them....or my best friend did.

i dream like they will all come true. and maybe someday. they will.